Fuck Adam Smith’s “individual ambition serves the common good” mumbo jumbo, that’s old news.  And it’s really much simpler than that.  Here’s what you do.  Go out to a couple of bars and eavesdrop, all night, on every conversation that pops up around you between some helpless chap and his object of desire.  Remain sober so that you can really, really get a gist of what homeboy’s saying.  I hope you’re reading this closely, because here’s the important part: next time you’re up to bat with some fine shorty that tickles your fancy, do the exact opposite of that which you witnessed during your night of espionage because, truth is, 99% of all men in this world have absolutely no idea how to talk to the fairer sex.

Sure, some of the above is in jest, but that’s mostly because I’ve (sorta) written on this topic before and am too lazy to address it again.

Finally, if all else fails, you can always just read this blog called How to Talk to Girls At Parties that my friend once told me about—I don’t really read it all that often but I’ve heard that it’s pretty popular and would appear to be all you need, judging from the title.

Sounds like you really climbed pretty high up that friends ladder, my man.  The saddest part about your story is that you are about as alone in this as a group of prepubescent Asian kids at Comic Con.  Many a good man has been put under the bridge by a woman.

That being said, it looks like you’re in no man’s land.  We all know you’re not going to pretend as if nothing happened and behave as if you are content with being just friends—guys have too much pride than that.  And pleading your case will be ineffectual—she already told you how she feels, so any further pressure from you will only invite frustration or even hostility.  The interesting caveat is how she says she feels about you may differ from how she actually feels about you.  What I mean is that the fairer sex, particularly those with less miles on the tires, are famously awful at deciding what they really want.

So, where does that leave you?  Back to the wall, ashy knuckles, that’s where.  As tough as it may seem to cut her loose, that’s really your only option.  In a best case scenario, she’ll realize that she’s in jeopardy of losing something real and come running back.  Worst case scenario, you’re out a friend.  It’s a tough world, brotha, and I wish you luck on this one, because there’s really no guessing how it’ll all turn out.

Why, “be yourself,” of course!  People have been swearing by this little mantra since the dawn of time, but I’m here to tell you that that’s a crock of shit.  

Simply put, you can’t truly “be yourself” if you are always thinking “shit, I gotta be myself.”  On top of that, sometimes people dislike themselves so much they couldn’t even fathom putting that person on display, especially for strangers (and even more especially for strangers to whom they are attracted).  Instead, I offer you two alternative pieces of advice: (1) in the event that you like the person into which you have developed in your time on this planet, stop thinking so hard about it, pretty much completely, to the point where you are on autopilot, and (2) if you can’t stand the face that you see in the mirror, evolve.

Growing up a fist pumping, eyebrow waxing, velour suit wearing, Cadillac driving, Jagermeister drinking, creatine consuming, self-entitled guido from Staten Island, I was forced to choose the latter.  It was a long and arduous road, but very rewarding in the end.  If this is the scenario with which you are confronted, it is of paramount importance that you completely let your guard down—meet new people, engage in new hobbies, read new books, travel (alone)—so that you can truly immerse yourself in the journey to find a new you.  

If you are faced with the former, however, instead of getting off the highway, you need to change lanes and throw it in cruise control.  Have something absurd on your mind?  SAY IT.  Want to push your friend into the pool while he’s holding his new iPhone?  DO IT.  Don’t think of the ramifications that may follow.  This may seem reckless, but I offer this advice making the assumption that despite your self-described “awkwardness” you are otherwise a competent young adult who understands the point behind my (somewhat extreme) examples and a law abiding citizen who knows the difference between self-expression and “social terrorism” (I think I just coined a phrase).

Finally, you certainly are right that I am not a therapist—a therapist would probably consider my advice to be juvenile and completely lacking psychiatric merit.  However, if it works for you, who’s to say that the above is not sound advice?  If it does not, well then I’m sorry for wasting your time.  In any event, good luck, dude, and Godspeed.